Don’t be ordinary…

In love. In life. In parenthood. In anything. It’s a good rule – why be ordinary?

The above quote says it all for me as we head towards the big V-day. And I may not be going where you think I’m am with this. It’s not a “To heck with jerks! You go tell him where to stick it girl!” kind of thing.

We are all so incredibly unique. Nope – we’re not all special little snowflakes to be coddled and protected from every bump in the road. But we are unique.

No two people have exactly the same life experience, outlook, talents or challenges.

Valentine’s Day is bittersweet for many, sweet for some and just plain bitter for others.

We’ve heard it all, right?  ‘Love yourself first’ and ‘you can’t love another person until you love yourself’. And these are true.

We get totally sick of hearing them when  we’d rather have an awkward date with Mr. Not-Quite-Right than sit at home alone with take-out and binge-watching GOT one more night. There’s nothing wrong with going on that date if you are just looking for a fun night out, and everyone involved has a realistic expectation of outcomes.

But please routinely put in the effort to make those statements above true.

Don’t waste too much time on Mr. (or Ms!) Not Quite Right – buy yourself a treat instead – a handbag you’ve wanted, a ticket to a sporting event, a dinner out at a lovely restaurant – and it doesn’t have to be expensive – do it on a shoestring – a walk in the park or hiking expedition of your own can be so incredibly gratifying. Take a lesson in something you’ve been dying to learn – rock climbing or painting or whatever tickles your fancy.

Self-care takes a lot of practice – you might not have that rosy “I love me!” feeling. It doesn’t matter – do the thing anyway. Take the moment – if it’s nothing but stopping working on all the other things to read for 30 minutes and have a bath. Your heart, mind and body all three will thank you. (The rosy feelings do sometimes come! I promise!)

Next, let’s consider ‘Don’t expend energy loving someone who doesn’t love you more than you love you.’

A mouthful – I know. I’m no Oscar Wilde. But I think the point is important.

Once we remember how to love ourselves, we shouldn’t work so hard to love someone who doesn’t cherish all the parts of us at least as much as we do.

When you truly love someone, you even find ways to cherish the parts of them that drive you crazy.

My SO and I have this piece down. For example – he’s reticent. Completely. HUGELY. And it drives me totally bonkers most of the time. He doesn’t communicate AT ALL when he’s upset. Then I get upset because he’s not communicating – and then he’s upset that I’m upset, and it can get really stupid.

BUT – I’ve learned from his reticence. Running off at the mouth has always been a problem of mine – but being around him has caused me to slow down and consider more carefully the things that come out of my mouth. It has taught me that not everything needs an immediate response and sometimes it doesn’t need a response at all.

Still drives me nuts when he does it sometimes (and funnily enough was the most infuriating part to me about my dad! Wished I’d learned from him instead of waiting this long.) But it’s part of who he is as a person – and it does have value.

I *think* I’m teaching him something about empathy – which drives him bonkers. We have to stop before leaving DQ to say hi to the older fellow sitting alone with his cone. He has to wait for me constantly because I have a need to know EVERYONE’S story. I want them all. He was not previously overly concerned about other’s stories – or with sharing his own.

I think he sees through my crazy eyes that wanting to know about others, because you’re truly interested in their story, can be beautiful thing, and can create some wonderful bonds (and get you some fantastic stories!) He tells me routinely that it’s part of who I am – so he loves it too.

So if you’re going to be with someone, choose a person who is willing to think that you’re a special snowflake and treat you with all the care that should afford – but who’s also willing to push you and inspire you to being bigger, better and more than you were.

No one less is worth it – have many lovely friends and people around you – but don’t sacrifice your time and effort for someone who doesn’t cherish your soul.

Don’t expend energy loving someone who doesn’t love you more than you love you. 🙂

Some bedroom-type rules for us gals…

Okay – everyone should read this post on Must Be This Tall to Ride

Seriously…

Right Now.

Have you read it yet?

Okay – now.

I LOVE Matt’s blog. It’s one of the few I actually manage to make it to most of the time when subscription updates come through.

I’ll bore you with similarities between his experience and mine later, but today I want to talk about sex. (Are you blushing yet? No? Okay – hang on, I’ll try harder)

So much of what he says NEEDS to be said, and I think some of it needs to be addressed from the female perspective as well. You need to go read this about his Magic Sex Potion for guys –  you’ll appreciate it!

While I 10,000% agree with Matt that a woman never ‘owes’ a man sex (unless he’s paid for it? You’ll have to read his blog to get it – and no this doesn’t address rape culture etc please see that note below), I think we have rather a good deal of  responsibility here.

If we run with the assumption that you’re in a monogamous relationship with a fellow (partner – I don’t care the gender – I think the rules apply) you’ve had *ahem* relations with, I think we need to follow some basic rules. ***

  1. Don’t lead him on. Don’t put on the sexy negligee and get him ‘riled’, if you will, with sexy talk and etc, only to let him down because he makes one comment that hits you funny. I’m not saying you’re obliged to give it up if he’s being a complete asshole or because he wants it now. I AM saying that we all know our lady-libido is tied to our emotions and mind, and it’s entirely too easy to let the emotional train jump the track and crash into the mountain-side for something that’s not worth the loss. It wrecks the entire evening. I speak from experience. Let it go – or shit – don’t – and fire back at him – let it be a little foreplay – and then go enjoy yourself – because you know in the end you really want to. It’s WAY better than laying with your mascara running down your cheeks with your back to him in some scraps of fabric that you don’t really want to sleep in anyway. ** Also don’t EVER go putting on the sexy stuff because you think you have to when you really aren’t in the mood – that’s just asking for trouble. Talk it out – then maybe bang it out – but don’t play mind games.
  2. Be Flexible. Yes – in all ways. 😉 A little yoga goes a long way for both of you. But seriously – this goes back to the previous point in not letting our emotions reign supreme. I don’t think it’s completely fair that we ladies always get the ‘last say’ if we’re grumpy, sad, tired, whatever the thing is today. I know you’ve been chasing kids, or fighting off the boss-monster at work all day. But if you’ve been talking up Thursday Night Sexy Time (because we all know we squeeze it in where we can between kids, cleaning, PTA, etc and so forth) for 3 days, suck it up (literally if need be?). Close your eyes, take a deep breath and let it go. Literally focus on the sensations. Tell him you need some TLC and relax back and enjoy a bit of pampering. Then return the favor. It might take a little more work to ‘get in the mood’ but it’s totally worth it.
  3. Try new things! Be a little risky – look, just like Matt says – It’s difficult if you were raised in a conservative religious household to let go and ‘get your freak on’. It’s VERY hard to learn to let loose after morality has been beaten into your head for 20 years. Providing you’ve found a trustworthy (and I mean REALLY trustworthy) partner, be a little open to exploration! I’m not saying you have to do things you just can’t begin to stomach, I’m just saying that not all ideas are bad ones. That’s all. Getting the teensiest bit out of your comfort zone can be exciting.
  4. FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE COMMUNICATE. Okay gals – look. When we think we’re being very clear, half the time, we’re really not. Good grief, we confuse the hell out of other women in friend relationships, that should tell us something. Be very plain about what you do and do not like about your experiences with your mate! If they do something you love – make sure you tell them so – please don’t assume that they’ll remember you moaned a little extra that one time. Say to them, “Gee, Jim-bob, that thing you did when you ******* on Wednesday was frigging amazing – and it needs to go on the list of repeats please!” This one goes for the guys too. Tell us what you like and don’t. That’s the only way it gets better and better.
  5. Stop. It. With. The. P*rn. SERIOUSLY. Guys and gals. This is *not* what great sex looks like. These are not what normal people look like. People are lumpy and not airbrushed and waxed to the teeth at all times. As embarrassing as it may be, I can guarantee that some of the best sex of my life was when my legs (and so you can imagine what else) may not have been as smooth as I would have liked, and I managed to GTF over it. P*rn is not a substitute for a human, and if you cultivate an amazing relationship in ALL ways with your other half, you only need it if you choose you want it. And I PROMISE, guys, you’re never going to get the relationship you want when you’re addicted to it. I speak from experience again. If you can’t stop watching it, go get help – there are plenty of well-trained individuals out there who can help you stop and put you on the path to something better.
  6. Don’t kiss and tell – last one for now. I know we all love a good dish with our gal-pals over coffee or wine, and, yes, you will have that special friend or two that may know a bit more about this side of your life. But for crying in the mud – your sex life is *not* cocktail party or locker room fodder. If you want it to be amazing – keep it safe. And bitching to the girls about how he “won’t ever leave you alone” or “always wants it” will not improve your relationship or your sex life – communication, and possibly therapy, are the only things that will do that. And even bragging can break down the walls with your lover if they’re not comfy with it. If everyone is dishing and you get cornered – just let them know that ‘it’s amazing’ with a sly little grin and don’t divulge more. It leaves them guessing and keeps everything safe just where it should be!

So there – not a compendium by any means, but I think some good rules to start with.

I spent many years in relationships with sub-par ‘relations’ and feel incredibly lucky to have found someone who matches me well in these areas now.

But it’s partially because of what you’re reading above and partially because of Matt’s Love potion – I’ve found a guy who inherently knew how to make this potion – and it works. But he’d tell you from prior experience, that no amount of kindness can thaw a frigid chick either – so don’t be that girl.

Love to all!!

*** This is NOT meant to address in any way, shape or form rape culture or the implications therein. What you’re reading is written by a woman who has been a victim of this culture. It is intended to address, tongue-firmly-in-cheek, the responsibilities in intimacy we have to one we love in that way. That is all – if it pisses you off – well – sorry, not sorry.

The sting –

Franco: And now my friend, the first-a rule of Italian driving.

[Franco rips off his rear-view mirror and throws it out of the car]

Franco: What’s-a behind me is not important.

 

Except that sometimes it sort of is…

April 23. It’s always a hard day for me. It marks the day we all said goodbye to my mom.

I think we all have these days. Days that come with a sting instead of a song. No matter what good comes of the day, it’s always a bit bittersweet.

This year I actually spent it with good friends enjoying a bit of racing, I *almost* could have forgotten what day it was. I got a ride in a Ford GT (WHAT?!?) and laughed an awful lot whilst sunburning my so-pale-as-to-almost-be-translucent legs.

I was so glad to have been able to make *that* day into something a little sweeter.

IMG_3783
That red GT- yes – that one right there. 

But yesterday hit like a ton of bricks.

I went to hang with the kiddos for a while, as I always do, after not having seen them for the weekend while not-yet-ex went to the store. To discover that every picture that I was part of had been removed from the public rooms of the house and shuffled to corners of the children’s rooms. Some of my things (fairly – nothing of any real importance) had found their way to the trash. Things my stepmother had made for us found their way into the kid’s rooms as well.

Ouch.

Suddenly amicable things aren’t feeling so friendly.

We’d already agreed that I’d help shuffle some things out of Bug’s room – so cleaning was already on the docket.  I just shifted that effort. Sweet Pea held the door while I loaded the car – backseat – full, trunk area – full.

You’re going to fairly make the point here that I’ve moved out quite a while ago – none of this should matter. And you’re right – if we’re following the first rule of Italian Driving.

BUT –

Most of these things I’d put off dealing with for a reason (no – that doesn’t make it right either). They were mom’s or something she’d given, or made. A costume I wore in a play when I was 8. A dress I wore to a ballroom dancing competition when I was 23. The little glass divided tray she used to put pecans in every Christmas.

It’s hard to look at these things and remove them from the house that I wanted so badly to be our dream home. Where I’d used them to entertain friends for Thanksgiving (NO – not in the childhood costumes – though we might file that away for later and more humorous use.) It was hard and I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t emotionally prepared – and I was angry because I felt I’d been blind-sided.

But so be it. It had to be dealt with. And it was. It didn’t matter.

Not-yet-ex was shocked when he came back. He didn’t understand. He wasn’t trying to make a statement according to him (thought this neatly coincides with him starting to see someone new.) But it’s okay.

I have these things now. They’re precious to me.

NOW – we’ll pull out that first rule of Italian driving and go make some new memories. Ones we like better. 😉