This is the hardest thing. Like ever, ya’ll
So I don’t know about you guys, but I’ve discovered recently – I’m a total control freak.
I sorta knew this already. But it’s smacked me completely in the face as I’m dealing with my ex moving on.
NOW – before anyone opens their yap – I’m actually good with him moving on and having someone new in HIS life. I’m not saying it’s not hard sometimes. I’m not saying there’s not emotion tied to it – but it’s something I can be okay with.
What I recently discovered is that him having someone new in our kids’ life is a different kettle of fish entirely.
Apparently it’s only news to me, but exes will do things we never thought they would. Things that are common sense to some of us, simply aren’t on the radar for others.
If you don’t think your ex would:
- introduce a new ‘friend’ to the kids right off – they might.
- let a friend stay the night – they might.
- put off time with the kids for extra time with the friend – they might.
- lie to you about what they have going on so you’ll help out and they get free time with the friend- they might.
- count on the kids not ‘filling you in’ – they might.
- have issues with the kids involving the split that they don’t clue you in to – they might.
No – my ex hasn’t done all of the above – but some.
And I absolutely had to deal with a meltdown from SweetPea (she’s 9) yesterday in the middle of a Mexican restaurant because she didn’t think we’d get divorced and she isn’t sure how to choose between her mom and a ‘new mom’ (they’ve been dating for approximately 2 weeks).
The desire to control so many of these things is very high.
I don’t like letting go of the reins. I like to give them a nice, solid death grip.
I don’t know how so many of you have done it with situations that are so much worse. Drugs and abuse and everything in-between.
What I learned this week is that I can ask myself honestly, “Can I let this go?” (Yes – outloud if possible – I look like an idiot in my car talking to myself and I just don’t care.)
Sometimes the answer is yes. One and done.
Sometimes it’s no – and taking the time to ask the first question gives my brain and heart the room to ask the others that are important – How would I like to handle this? What is a reasonable response? What would I like to see come of it?
And life is SO much better when I don’t react to him emotionally.
Some people thrive off of that – it’s where the small amount of control they exert comes from. But when we don’t react emotionally – we take away that power.
I may not be able to control him or his choices – but I can control myself and my reactions – and MOST IMPORTANTLY I can make sure that my example for my kids is what I’d like them to see. I can pick those reins back up with purpose, with the right mindset and attitude and steer that horse in a direction that I feel securely is healthy for myself and my children.
What do you guys do when you feel the need to take control of things? Anyone have other ‘tricks’ that work? I’d love to hear them!!